Heartache

From all people breathing in this world. There are only two people I thought who will trust me when other people turn their back on me: my dad n my mom.

I was wrong.

I just got back from Jakarta. I'm in my hometown. Then my mom told me something which gave me so much pain. My mom said that my dad wasn't too keen about me going to Kuching because it brought bad influence. Clubbing and all. And she started with all the whining about Titin who's now a good girl and she has learned her lesson and all those. So I'm wrong now? So she believed all those gossips? So basically my parents don't believe me?

I've been telling everybody about how my family believe me. And now when I heard that... My heart broken into pieces. I couldn't say a thing to reply my mom.

When she said it again, all I could do was cry. I couldn't even talk properly. All I did... Cry and cry and cry and cry.

Honestly I couldn't bear the pain in my chest.

When I got into my room... The smell of it... The smell of my desperation. My tears. My heartache. My love for ian. Nights when I cry myself to sleep. It hit me. Hard. I can't stop crying.

I think, again, I'm gonna cry myself to sleep...
Powered by Telkomsel BlackBerry®

Useless piece of shit

I am unemployed at the moment and I can't find any job. Especially when I hate being an IT pro shit. I'm nt gud in programming. I'm nt gud in troubleshooting. I'm nt a computer nerd. I'm nothing close to professional in the fucking IT field crap.

And I hate it even more that my dad, my bro, my sist... has been looking around for the ideal job. And I just can't say that I'm nt interested in IT job any longerrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can I ever succeed doing things I don't even like! NOT EVEN A LITTLE!!!

It's not a good week for me...
Powered by Telkomsel BlackBerry®

Hmmm

Someone:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqdsBk1WKU&feature=related

song for u to sleep well later

Bridesmaid With No Best Man

www.variabridal.com

Officially, Im the bridesmaid for my sister's wedding. I got all the things mapped out. I noted all the to-do list. I have the guest list. I've been trough dress testing and all those stuff.

I was going through the to-do list when my sist-in-law asked
Sist : So, who's gonna be the best man?
Me : Hmm? I thought you guys have already picked the best man?
Sist : Nooo... You have to find your own partner.
Me : Owh? Ok? I thought one of uncle's son is going to be the best man?
Sist : Do you want them to?
Me : Not really. No...
Sist : Well, then you have to find your partner. Ok? Write it down.
Me : Anybody can be the best man?
Sist : Yea. You have loads of friends, rite? One of them can be your partner. Make sure they are committed. He can't back out at the last minute.
Me : Ok...

Well? Apparently I have to admit that the first person who appeared on my mind was Ian. I know... I know... We are no longer 'together' in any sense, any way, any fckin day... But I couldn't help it. The idea of him being my partner was killing me. I remembered his smile that I love. This particular smile of his. I remembered the way he looked at me when he was smiling like that. Fck it was killing me.

I tried to turn my thoughts away by stating the negatives:
* He would be shorter than me when Im wearing my heels (my shortest pair of heels is 7cm high)

And... That's all I can think about. WTF, right?

This best man topic reminds me of Virgo Kid. I was talking about the wedding when I mentioned bout the best man and he said (more or less, I don't really remember): "I'm gonna be the best partner u ever had". Owh well. Haha.

I don't feel like having anybody on my side. I don't wanna be attached to anyone. I can't. Not when my feeling to Ian is still so strong... Damn him. Damn me.

Which friend do you trust with your life?

I can't answer that question.

I was doing this Friend Expose quiz on Facebook and that particular question came up 3 times. I skipped it for 3 times too before I finally quit.

If that question was given to me last year, I think I would have answer "I trust all my friends". But reality is not that simple. I cannot always trust everybody. As the matter of fact, I trust nobody right now. I can't. Whenever I am about to say something, I chocked.

It's not normal. I have to, eventually, trust somebody. I believe I will. But not right now... Not so fast...

what have I done?

I have the owh-fuck-i-thought-u-would-say-something-else situation. The problem is I didn't have any backup plan. Damn me.

It's this Virgo kid... We were having our normal conversation when suddenly we got into the 'kiss' topic.
Vk : tot u like kissing? :P
Me : i do
Vk : aha then?
Me : but I wont simply kiss them ok.... Told u only 2 people in this world kid
Vk : yeaha why me babe 

(fuck I know he would ask me this question again... and YES it took me FOREVER to answer that question)

Me : erm... 
Me : because...
Me : because I wanted to know how it's like to kiss someone else
Vk : o 

(shit...)

Vk : not that you like me? 

(okay... how the fuck am I gonna answer that? It took me my life to answer this one)

Me : I like kissing you
Vk : jst kiss? 
Vk : not like me la?

(im dead)

Me : I dont know if I like u or nt
Vk : I see
Me : I dont simply kiss strangers ok
Vk : o

(right... dead end... trying to stir the question to him... I said)

Me : why did u let me kiss u? (although I know the damn answer)
Vk : erm... free kiss anyone? hahahaha 
Me : ok

(serious shit.. although I know guy will never reject free stuff especially stuff like that but I didn't expect him saying that)

Vk : jokes
Me : naaa it's true
Vk : i was joking

(after a minute or two...)

Vk : angry?
Vk : sowie then
Me : no... I figured
Vk : hmmm

(another moment of silence)

Me : ok i am angry... although i've already figured dat earlier
Vk : why
Vk : i was kidding
Vk : i dont simply kiss too
Vk : it's jst that [...] (smething else... I prefer to keep that to myself)
Vk : fair enuff?

And so on... But it's not gonna be the same we-flirt-alright kinda friend anymore. I'm not even sure if we're still friend. He was mad, alright. He might have thought that I used him for testing or something. I swear I didn't... I understand if he felt... I don't know... I don't know what he felt... But he's mad at me... What have I done? Damn I feel bad... I really do feel bad...

Especially after what he had told me. I am glad to know whatever he had told me... But what I said in return today... when he's having his bad day... What the fuck have I done? Kid... I am so sorry... Seriously Kid... I'm sorry... I'm sorry

Virgo Kid

My zodiac sign is Leo. And I'm a good example of a living Leo. Everything you read about Leo is on me. How I like the attention I get. How I'm so careless. How emotional I am. All those are right. I'm the true example.

And I'm currently with this Virgo guy. I couldn't find any term to explain me n him. I'm not his gf. I'm his friend. Not really friend. So I'm gonna refer us as "me n him". I like talking to him. I like him being straight forward. I just don't buy bullshits anymore. So him being straight forward is a relieve.

Here's few things that I like. Some ppl might find it normal but I like it. It's my blog. So it's about what I like.
# I like it when he say "What r u doin there babe? Why so silent?" Eventhough I was silent for 5mins only.

# I like his reaction whenever I ask him out. Eg "Let's go for movies" / "Let's go shopping" / "Let's go to Bali" / "Let's have ice cream"... His answer will be "Me n you? Of course... Bla bla bla"

But I hate him more than I like him. Somehow he teaches me stuff that I always heard but never experienced.

I don't really know him. We flirt and all but never really serious during our convo. I'm... Ok... I... Shit!!! I kinda underestimated him when he first said hi to me. I was the normal rude bitch. So I didn't bother to knw bout him at all.

Later I found out that the lovey-dovey-happy-go-lucky Virgo kid has thousands of things which he has experienced. I didn't know that he was a shuffler. I didn't know that he used to represent sarawak for skate competition. I didn't know that he's a runway model. I didn't know he broke his arms twice before he quit skating. All those. I missed those during the first few months.

I didn't mean to ignore him completely. I just didn't, and don't, feel like knowing anybody. But I feel bad because I never bother to ask anything. Not only Virgo kid. But to all of my friends. Have I got too lost in my owh shit?
Powered by Telkomsel BlackBerry®

Dark

Ian's presence is much stronger in my Pontianak home. Mayb because I was there during the so-called relationship that we had. Or mayb the smell of his perfume is all over my bed, clothes, bags, pillow... All over my house. I can't stand it.

When I moved to Jakarta last October, settled with a job, busy with fitness, I thought I would be able to forget ian step by step. I was wrong.

Sumhow I don't think anything's gonna work at all. I just can't push it. I can't force my brain to stop thinking bout him every second of my life. All dat I can do is negotiate with my brain so at least I don't have to think bout him that often. And I can only wait until my heart heal by itself.

There are times when I think bout someone else but da imagination will ends on ian. Like, there is one day I was thinking bout going to a movie with someone else. He pick me up. We go to the cinema. Go round town afterwards. Or mayb stop by at the airport. End the night with a lovely kiss...... Seems alright? Not really. Da next thing on my mind was "I wish ian see this. So he knws that I can go on another date with another guy. Damn he's gonna be sorry" and I realized... WTF. If I still think bout Ian when I'm thinking bout someone else... I'm not over him, am I? It has been 6 months since da terrible day. And I'm not over him.

Especially when the night falls... I'm alone. I can't sleep. The next thing I know I'm thinking bout Ian. Owh, kill me.
Powered by Telkomsel BlackBerry®